This is a parody...a joke. Do not follow these directions if you use any sort of haircolor! DO NOT ever, ever, ever dye your ferrets' fur!!! This product does not exist.

FAQ About Shiny Whispy Wonderful Haircolor -- for People and Their Ferrets

We are so excited about our new haircolor, Shiny Whispy Wonderful, the only haircolor made for ferrets and their owners. We have enjoyed getting your letters, and have assembled some of the most common questions we are asked into this little FAQ.

your special haircolor expert friends at,
Shiny Whispy Wonderful

How long should I wait before dying my hair if I have just gotten a permanent wave?
If you cannot stop waving, you should not apply hair dye. Applying hair dye requires concentration and at least two hands.

I have black hair and I want blonde hair without visible roots. How do I achieve this?
Wear a wig.

I have really dark hair naturally, and my roots are showing through my light bleached locks (according to my friends, who say it looks ghastly). I really can't see it all that much. Do I really need to do a touch-up?
We suggest that you use Shiny Whispy Wonderful to touch-up your unsightly hair every two weeks. We would never advise you not to touch-up your hair because then we would never sell more boxes of Shiny Whispy Wonderful. The answer to this question was so obvious we were surprised to receive this e-mail!

I have been using a color from a different brand-name. How do I know what color to use in your line of products?
See Jane. See Jane pick up a box. See Jane pick up a box of her old haircolor. See Jane pick up another box. See Jane pick up a box of Shiny Whispy Wonderful. See Jane compare the charts on both boxes. See Jane match the two colors. Jane did it! It's as simple as that. (If your name is not "Jane," please substitute your own name above every time you see the name "Jane" appear.)

I have been relaxing for two years. Can I still use Shiny Whispy Wonderful?
No. Using our hair product does not work for lazy people. You should try something else.

My ferret, FiFi Laurelman Williamson Beaumont the First and I both adore Shiny Whispy Wonderful and what it has done for our lives. However, you have recently discontinued her favorite color, Chocolate #5. Might I ask why you did this?
We found, much to our chagrin, that some human chocoholics were eating Shiny Whispy Wonderful, and ending up very sick. We had to discontinue this product until we can come up with a warning on our boxes.

I adore the smell that I smell (is that redundant?) when I use your product. Might I ask if it is available in perfume form?
We use oil of raisin scent in our dye to try and cover up some of the ghastly odors associated with the dyeing process, and this appears to enchant both humans and ferrets alike. We do not currently offer it in perfume form, however. If you like the smell associated with Shiny Whispy Wonderful, we recommend that you buy a perfume atomizer and fill it with grapejuice.

My ferret's fur is very resistant to being dyed. What should I do?
For hair or fur that does not want to be dyed, we recommend looking at it (if it is your own, use a mirror), yelling, "if you don't cooperate I will cut you off!" and that should take care of most problematic hair.

Can men use Shiny Whispy Wonderful?
So far in our testing, they have not had a hard time learning how to unscrew the caps on the bottles or mix the solutions together. This is as far as we got in our testing so far, as we abandoned the study due to the boredom of watching people dye their hair. Did you mean "may" they?

All right then, may men use Shiny Whispy Wonderful, little miss persnickety rude customer service person?
We regret to inform you that your customer service question cannot be processed at this time. Please try back next week. We appreciate your business and enjoy hearing from you.

Do your products dry out hair and fur?
No. You will need to use a towel to dry off after washing yourself or your ferret.

Can I use Shiny Whispy Wonderful to lighten my ferret's hair?
Sorry, Shiny Whispy Wonderful does not impact the weight of ferrets' hair. If you are complaining about your ferret having heavy hair, you are a is so light to begin with!

Can I swim in a pool if I use Shiny Whispy Wonderful?
We are sorry, but we cannot make any promises about your ability to swim or not. Shiny Whispy Wonderful is only a hair-dye product, not a swim instructor, although it can nevertheless improve your life dramatically in other ways. For example, you will exude much more confidence and probably will even be more popular. You might be invited to more pool parties, but we can't guarantee that the product will work as a floatation device.

Will Shiny Whispy Wonderful work for gray hair?
Sorry, we do not offer any gray shades as we find they are not very popular. Blonde and red are our most popular products. We can promise, however, that if you wait a few years you will get gray hair naturally.

I used Shiny Whispy Wonderful on my ferret and her hair didn't look anything like what was on the box!
Shhh! Don't tell anyone.

Is Shiny Whispy Wonderful tested on animals?
No. With Shiny Whispy Wonderful, you and your ferret are always the guinea pigs. It's our gift to you.

I do not like wasting things. What can I do with the packaging and other items that came with my hair dye?
After completely cleaning the products, the gloves can be used for gardening, the developr bottle for holding paste, ketchup, or mustard, and the box it all came in for planting chives (however, please be aware that all of the above items are actually poisonous and should (in ideal conditions) be thrown away). If you think of other ideas, we would love to hear them and pass them along to our other customer friends.

What exactly is a "strand test?"
A multiple choice quiz about a man who was the US poet laureate from 1990-1991.

Help! My ferret's fur turned a weird orangish-purple color!
That sounds cool. We have never heard of that color before. Please send us a picture.

Why can't I shampoo my hair over 48 hours before coloring it? I'm a neat-freak and I simply can't do that!
Our hair-color only works on people and ferrets who have dirty hair. We are currently working on a product for those who are cleanly.

I put petroleum jelly on my face four days ago to keep it from staining from the hair-dye. Now what?

Can I turn my albino ferret into a dark sable using Shiny, Whispy, Wonderful?
We are working on a color that would take very light pigmentation to a much darker shade. However, to compliment that we will also have to offer a line of ferret contacts in order to make pink eyes black, and this is currently in development. We will also be offering pink contacts and intense bleach to make dark sable ferrets into albinos. If you do not wish to wait for these products, we advise that you instead adopt ferrets of the other colors you enjoy.

How many shampoos will the color last through?
The color will last forever and never wash out. However, your roots will show up in about two weeks. Then you will need to spend another $8.99 to buy another container of Shiny Whispy Wonderful, and just do a root touch-up (which will cost you $8.99 and only last another two weeks, when your roots will begin showing again). In other words, you have started a vicious, unrelenting cycle that you will never be through with for the rest of your life [wicked, maniacal laughter]!!!

Welcome to the loving, friendly and helpful family of Shiny Whispy Wonderful.